Humor

Church Conflicts

A Jewish congregation was arguing over whether one should stand or sit during the Shema Yisroel. Half of the congregation said one should sit, the other half insisted one should stand. Every time the Shema was recited, they shouted at each other, “Sit down!” and “Stand up!”  The fighting became so bad that the congregation was split in two, each half contending that they knew the tradition in that synagogue.

 

Finally, the rabbi decided to visit a one-hundred-year old member of the synagogue who was living in a nursing home. He took a delegation from each of the arguing sides with him to see the oldest member of the “shul”.  “Now, tell us,” said the rabbi, “what is our tradition?” “Should we stand during the Shema?”  “No,” said the old man. “That is not our tradition.”  “Well, then,” said the rabbi, “should we sit during the Shema?” “No,” the old man, “that is not our tradition.”  “But we need to know what to do,” said the rabbi, “because our congregation members are fighting among each other.”  “That,” said the oldest member of the congregation, “that is our tradition.”

 

Careful how you spend it! 

A young single man had the good fortune of inheriting $250,000 from the estate of his deceased uncle who had died with no direct descendants.  For a short time, the young man lived the life of his dreams, but in less than a year the money had all been spent, and the young man was broke.  When the young man’s father heard that his son was broke, he was amazed, “What did you do with all that money?”  “Well,” the son confessed, “I spent $60,000 on a new sports car, and $20,000 taking my girlfriend on a spring break trip to Tahiti, and then I went through $75,000 on my weekend in Las Vegas, and $15,000 on a toga party for my fraternity, and …  the rest?  Well, I just wasted the rest!”

Stealing from Readers Digest …

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

 

Sermons should more than just hot air! 

One of my pastor friends talked his church into installing sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church.  But after two weeks he asked the sexton to take them out.  I asked him, “Didn’t they work?”  Oh, he said, they worked fine.  But someone had pasted a sign above the dryers that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

 

A hopeless minority

The drunk who strayed into an Illinois church and fell asleep in the front pew. He slumbered on as the revivalist asked, “Who are on the Lord’s side?”, and the congregation responded by rising en masse. When the preacher then inquired, “Who are on the side of the devil?”, the sleeper stirred. But, not fully grasping the inquiry, and seeing the minister on his feet, he stood up. “I don’t exactly understand the question,” he said, “but I’ll stand by you, parson, to the last. But it seems to me,” he added, “that we’re in a hopeless minority.”

 

Baptism can be complicated

Janie’s mother looked out the window and noticed her daughter “playing church” with their cat.  Janie had the cat sitting quietly, and she was preaching to it.  Janie’s mother smiled and went back to her work.  A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Janie baptizing the cat in a tub of water.  She called out, “Janie, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”  Janie looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”

Scouring the Internet for good jokes and funny stories is a very time-consuming process…

…and each search may have a low probability of success.  Solid humor is hard to find.

There are short-cuts.  For example, I, like a lot of people, love the cartoons in The New Yorker.  It turns out that those cartoons can be found here.  At that site go to the box labelled “Subject.”  There, choose a topic that interests you, click, and discover a very large archive of wonderfully funny cartoons.  Under wine, I like the drawing of a busy highway featuring a tanker truck with “CHEAP WHITE WINE” printed on its side.  If you happen to remember “cheap white wine,” you can also search and find the cartoon that way.

Another of my favorite sources of humor is Dave Barry.  I am not a fan of his attempted novels but I loved his newspaper columns.  Collections of those columns in his books were enormously helpful to me in grieving the death of my daughter.  They were a ready source of yucks even at a time of great sadness.  They were restorative. 

Other books that I recommend include:  Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons and Other Ravings from Dave Barry, Homes and Other Black Holes, and Dave Barry’s Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?  They make me laugh out loud every time even though I have read them many times.

Dave Barry also has a website with very funny material.  His blog regularly features very funny news stories that frequently start with “A Florida man …”  Check it out here.

Another recommendation … movies.  There simply is no movie funnier than Blazing Saddles.  It is so funny and so disrespectful that it is a miracle that it was ever produced.  I am eternally grateful that it was.

Mel Brooks also produced Young Frankenstein and The Producers (the one with Zero Mostel, accept no imitations).  Very funny but not quite Blazing Saddles … the rest of Mel Brooks’ movies are nowhere near as funny as these three.

A final note … YouTube … has clips of some very funny people.  Your tastes may not be mine but I love clips of Don Rickles, Rodney Dangerfield, and Steve Martin.  And for ever so brief a time, there was John Pinette, may his memory be blessed among all of us who struggle with our weight.

Alan Baughcum

8-7-19

 

Again, Communication Is Everything …

The Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that because he could not hear, he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather confronted the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is?”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper, “where’s the money?”

Bookkeeper signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”

The lawyer signs to the bookkeeper, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

The bookkeeper signs back, OK” You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

 

Who Doesn’t Like a Dog Joke…

An Alsatian went to a telegram office and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

 

A Guy Walks Into a Bar…What Could Go Wrong?

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”

The man answers, “Now the problems start!

 

Again, communication is really hard…

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model.

The farmer is suitably impressed and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

 

It Is So Hard to Communicate Clearly

In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine.’” asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…”

“I did not ask you for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.”

The lawyer interrupted again and said “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘how are you feeling?’

Now, judge, what would you have said?

 

A Guy Walks Into A Bar…No, Really, This One Is Funny…

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep “If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?” The barkeep thinks about it and says “well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight”. So, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a miniature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and sets the frog at the piano.  Low and behold the frog cracks his little fingers and starts to play!

 

The barkeep is just blown away by this and agrees that the man can drink for free for the rest of the night. Meanwhile there is a wealthy business man watching this unfold from a corner, so he gets up and approaches the man sensing a business opportunity. He says “Excuse me, but I saw your frog and I was wondering if he was for sale?”  The man replies “Sorry the frog is not for sale” and continues sipping his drink. The businessman offers $10,000 for the frog, which the man again politely declines, followed by offers for $20,000 and $30,000. Until the business man finally gives up and goes back to his seat.

 

The man finishes his drink and asks the barkeep “Hey, if I can show you something else even more amazing, would you let me drink here for free any day?” The barkeep thinking he has seen everything now readily agrees, what could be more amazing than a playing frog?

 

Well the man reaches into another pocket and brings out a mouse and puts him on top of the piano. A few seconds later the mouse starts to sing along with the frog’s playing! The barkeep is absolutely floored by this and again agrees to honor his deal.

 

The business man also sees this and again approaches the man, he offers $100,000 for the frog and the mouse, which the man again declines. The business man in a last-ditch effort says “OK, what about $100,000 just for the mouse?” The man takes a sip of his drink and says “Just for the mouse? Yeah OK” so the business man cuts him a check right there and takes the mouse and leaves.

 

The barkeep says to the man “Are you crazy!?” A mouse like that has got to be worth 10x that much! What were you thinking?”

 

The man calmly sips his drink and replies with a wry smile “The joke is on him, the frog is a ventriloquist.”

 

Please Be Careful What You Wish For…

Three guys stranded on a desert island find an ancient oil lamp containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

 

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

 

Write it down!

A couple was getting up in years and became concerned about their seemingly-worse memories.  They went to the doctor, who examined them and told them that they had nothing more serious than the normal problems with memory that come with aging.  But, just to be on the safe side, he encouraged them to write down important or complicated stuff said to them.

So, about a week later, they were in the living room watching television.  The wife said to her husband, “I think I would like some ice cream.”  He replied, “I will go to the kitchen and get you some.”  “Write it down,” she said.  “Nahh, I can remember that,”  he said.

“Well, then, please put some chocolate syrup on it,” she said, “Better write it down!”  “Noo,” he said, “I can remember that!”

“And some whipped cream and a maraschino cherry on top,” she said, “Better write it down!”  “Nope, I can remember that!”  he said.

A half an hour later the man returns from the kitchen with a plate-full of scrambled eggs and bacon.  The wife looks up and says, “You forgot the toast!”

 

Ya’ Gotta Believe!

No one believed the boy when he said his dog ate his homework until the dog graduated from Harvard.

 

How quickly are we jaded by the riches of the world!

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other said, “Friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”  The sad friend said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty-thousand dollars.” “That’s not bad at all…!” “Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me ninety-five thousand, tax-free to boot.”  “Well, that’s great! I’d like that.” “Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.” “So why are you so sad?”  “This week – nothing!” 

 

It is really important to find the right church!

Janie’s mother looked out the window and noticed her daughter “playing church” with their cat.  Janie had the cat sitting quietly, and she was preaching to it.  Janie’s mother smiled and went back to her work.  A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Janie baptizing the cat in a tub of water.  She called out, “Janie, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”  Janie looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”

 

Humor for the current church season, Lent

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.  The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”  The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.  The word flies around town. Prayers are offered because people think that one of the brothers must have died.   The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.  You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well.  It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”